Little Purple Riding Trunks
by Vegeta-shun
Summary: A "confused" young Trunks goes on a "mission" for no reason at all, and encounters most ALL of the DBZ characters. Then they take over the story.
1. Inciting Incident

Little Purple Riding Trunks

(Yeah, you read it right.)

A/N:  Don't… hate … me.  Hahahahahaha.  Okay!  On with it!

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Part One:  The Inciting Incident

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"Mummy-dearest?"

"What do you want now, Trunks?" asked an exhausted Bulma.

Trunks (let's saaayyyy he's 12 years old) came prancing into the lab wearing a purple feather boa.  Bulma smacked her hand against her forehead.  He had been pulling stunts like this all month.  First it was her lipstick, then her highheels, and then he somehow got a pink leotard, complete with tutu.  Now… it was a boa.  Why was she not surprised?

"Mummy-dearest, I have a question for you."

"Fine, but don't call me that; people will wonder about you."

"Ok, Mummy-dearest.  What will they wonder about?"

"Never mind," she sighed.  "What is your question?"

Innocently, he cocked his head.  "I asked you what people will wonder about me."

Bulma noticed he had sparkling glitter under his eyes.  She became suddenly nauseous.  "Probably a great many things, son.  Now please, Mom's very busy.  She has an important proposal to finish before tomorrow morning.  What did you want to ask me?"

"Oh, THAT.  Just a sec, I'll be back in a jiffy."

Bulma rolled her eyes, and continued typing at her computer.  A half hour later, Trunks returned.  Along with his purple, feather boa, he was now wearing a long, plum-colored evening gown.  Bulma stopped everything and gawked at him.

"Trunks!  Where on earth did you get that dress?!"

"Goten bought it for me."

Bulma opened her mouth, but she couldn't say anything coherent at first.  Then the strangled word "Why?" came to her.

"He said I look pretty in it.  Do you think I look pretty, Mommy-dearest?"

Bulma contorted her face.  She wanted to cry.  Did she say yes, and further perpetuate this behavior, or say no and crush is young heart?  She did neither.  "I don't know, Trunks.  I've suddenly gone blind," she lied.

"You mean you can't see my sexy dress?!" he shrieked. (yes, he shrieked!)

"A-ugh.  No.  Sorry."

Trunks' face fell.  She almost felt bad for lying.  _Almost_.

But Trunks felt sorry for his mummy-dearest.  She didn't get to witness the splendor of his beauty.  He decided to make her feel better.  "Don't feel bad, Mummy-dearest.  Daddy-kins liked my dress."

"VEGETA SAW YOU DRESSED LIKE THIS?!"

Trunks scowled, "_Daddy-kins _did, yes," he corrected her.

"And he didn't kill you?!"

"No.  Daddy-kins laughed and said that *I* was his Princess now.  Not Bra."  Trunks beamed with pride.

Bulma took her son by the shoulders and looked straight into his eye-shadowed eyes.  "Trunks, listen to me very carefully…"

Trunks stared back at her and put his hands on his hips, "You will address me as Princess Trunks!"

Bulma faltered backward.  "You're making this difficult!  Now listen!  No matter what anyone else says, you'll always be my SON.  Okay?  No matter what, I'll always love you."

"Okay Mummy-dearest.  Whatever you say," he smiled.

Bulma sighed and continued typing at the computer.  Trunks still stood in the room and watched her.  Then he loudly stomped toward the door, making his footsteps quieter as he approached it.  Once through the door, Trunks tiptoed back into the room, back to the spot he had just occupied.  He stood there, very still, and stared at her.

Bulma let him do this for 5 minutes.  Then Trunks stifled a laugh and in absolute silence began making faces at her.  Bulma quickly became annoyed.  She turned to him and shouted, "Trunks!  What do you think you are doing?!"

Startled, Trunks jumped away from her.  Then he squinted into her eyes and asked, "Are you unblind, Mummy-dearest?  Can you see me now?!"

Bulma shot back into her chair and stared at the ceiling.  "Uh… No.  Nope.  I am still blind!"

"Then how did you know-?"

"I am your mother, Trunks-"

"PRINCESS Trunks!"

"Argh!  As I was _saying_… I am your mother, and I know everything you do."

Trunks looked perplexed by that last comment.  He scoffed, "No you don't, or else you would know that Goten and I…"  He clapped his hands over his mouth and stopped talking.  

Frankly, Bulma was glad he did.  "Okay, fine.  I don't know everything, but I know if you're standing in the room making faces at me, and it's distracting!  I'm extremely busy.  Go bother your father."

"You mean Daddy-kins?"

"Yes," she sighed.

"I have a better idea, Mummy-dearest!  I am going to figure out how to fix your eyes!"

"Okay.  Whatever.  Have fun."

Trunks scampered off.  Well, he scampered as well as a 12 year-old can scamper wearing an evening gown.  He went outside and took off into the air.  The gown fabric flowed and ebbed on his curvaceous body and tickled his skin.  The boa fluttered in the wind.  He giggled like a schoolgirl at the anticipation of the great adventure he was embarking.

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A/N: Hoooo boy.  Okay, lemme have it.  Hahahaha.  I plan on getting 7 or 10 or 26 chapters out of this… Just FYI.

And for those of you new to my… "humor" --  If you liked this, check out my others.  They're all the same sort of thing, and I've gotten good feedback, so I guess they're decent.


	2. Breaking the Fourth Wall temporarily

Little Purple FLYING Trunks 

(Same story, but maybe this title is more fitting)

A/N:  This is me : ^_^   I am giddy with anticipation of what is to come.  I hope you are, too.  MwaHahahahahaha.

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Part Two: Breaking the Fourth Wall… temporarily.

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Little Trunks was still flying.

…….Still flying …...

…………..  _Still_ flying………

Ok, then he started to think.  He thought, "Whew!  Thank goodness I stopped myself before telling Mummy-dearest about what Goten and I did.  If she knew that _we_ broke her particle-neutralization thingy then she would have flipped."

Then Trunks turned to face YOU, the readers.  He spoke heatedly to you.  "What, you morons?  Did you think I was homosexual or something?!  Ha!  My twelve-year old body is WAY too _sexy_ to be touched by the male gender…  So why am I wearing this dress, you ask?  Girls are icky.  I don't want them to be attracted to my hot ass.  Oh, they may still think I am gorgeous, but they would never try to get involved with a cross-dressing boy."

("Oh, I doubt that, Little Trunks.  Heh heh.")  

Trunks didn't hear The Narrator's comment.

And after some thought, the boy added, "I'm also crazy and stupid, so there are two more reasons that girls would never come after me."

(The Narrator shakes head at poor, naïve Trunks.)

And so, Princess Trunks continued flying, trying to figure out how to cure his Mom's blindness.  He crossed a beautiful meadow with many streams and waterfalls.  Suddenly, he spotted Piccolo hovering near the rushing water.  He quickly descended to greet the green-skinned, lizard-man.

"Hi, Mr. Piccolo-ser!"

Piccolo snapped out of his meditation.  "What did you call me, wanker?!"

"Your name!  Picco_loser_…  But why you are speaking with an British accent?"

"Hmmm, I don't know."  He surveyed his body.  Seemed normal.  He grinned _maniacally_, "This is bloody brilliant!"

Trunks looked at him, doubtfully.  "If you say so…  I think it's stupid."

British Piccolo powered up.  "I'll show you stupid!"

Trunks moved backward a few feet. "Hey, you're right!  I am stupid!  I told the readers that a few minutes ago!  How did you know?!"

"Readers?"  Piccolo powered down.  "What ever are you talking about?"

"Them," Trunks pointed at YOU.

British Piccolo looked around, and saw nothing.  "Dear boy, I think you have lost your marbles."

"I like marbles, Piccoloser.  You're cool… even if you talk funny."

U.K. Piccolo took off his cape and put on a frock coat. Then he started smoking a pipe.  "So, boy-o, to what do I owe your unexpected visitation?"

"Well, you see, Piccoloser… I was showing my Mummy-dearest this beeeeauutiful new dress that Goten bought me…"

British Piccolo surveyed Trunks' attire.  Plum evening gown, lavender boa.  Yeah, looked about normal for the Briefs family.

Trunks continued, "…but she couldn't see it!  My Mummy-dearest had gone blindeded!"  He started sobbing.

"Please cease that incessant whining!  It's making my head ache.  Besides, you'll cause your mascara to run."

"So will you help me, Piccoloser?!" asked a hopeful Trunks.

"I suppose.  Go see Kami.  He'll tell you what to do."

Trunks raised an eyebrow, "You fused with Kami.  Remember, Piccoloser?  Do you mean Dende?"

"Of course I mean Dende, you twit!  What do you take me for?!  A brain-dead Frenchman?!"

"Uhhh."  Princess Trunks nervously looked toward the readers.  "You better not say things like that, Piccoloser.  You might make the readers angry with cultural slurs like that."

He scoffed, "Culture-shmulture.  I have nothing to worry about.  No one likes the gormless French."

Quite uncomfortable, Trunks said, "I better leave now.  Thanks for the help."

But before he could take off, British Piccolo caught him by the arm and whispered, "Be careful out there, my boy.  I have heard rumors of a crazy fox running around, and gobbling up purple-haired little boys."

Fear filled his crystal blue eyes.  "You're lying!" he gasped.

"Okay, got me there, old chap.  But I _have_ heard rumors about a horrible two-headed creature that lives in the forest.  It is _pure evil_ and very smart.  Actually, no one has ever seen it."

"Then how do YOU know it exists?!"

"I have sensed its ki."

"What is ki?"

"Are you off your head?  It is your power, your energy!"  

He got no response from Trunks-in-the-dress.  The boy was twirling his boa, absentmindedly.

"Stop pissing around!  Here… take this basket of goodies to Dende, will you?  And send my love."

Trunks crinkled his nose.  "I think you should take them yourself, Piccoloser."

"Look here, Nancy boy.  Don't make me dirty your evening gown!  TAKE The BLOODY BASKET!"

"Noooooo! OK OK… I'll take your basket!" Trunks wailed.  "Just don't mess up my dress!"

"That's a good boy," British Piccolo smiled.  "Now off with you.  Go on now.  Bugger off."

British Piccolo patted Trunks on his arse ("cough, I mean 'bottom'").  Trunks glared at him, but left the Namek without a word of protest.

Trunks flew off again, this time with a basket and still wearing his lavender boa and plum evening gown.  He was heading toward the Lookout, but he was soon distracted (as always seems to be the case with Trunks).  He saw a farm in the near distance and became painfully aware of his growling stomach.

He flew to the ground and landed in the middle of the crop.  The crop of… Cornbread.  

("Mmmm, cornbread.  Ain't nuthin wrong with that.  Haha… Hey! If The Narrator says cornbread can grow on vines, then it can, dammit!  Except… it's growing on stalks.")

Trunks was GLAD that cornbread could grow on stalks.  He looooooved cornbread and hadn't had any for a long time.  He stuffed his mouth with all the cornbread he could fit.  He looked like a chipmunk.  A chipmunk in a plum-colored evening gown.

(hee hee hee)

Then, there was a noise from behind him.  Something was coming toward him.  The stalks of cornbread parted and he saw……….  

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A/N: Sorry!  I just can't resist a good cliff-hanger!  Well, maybe it's not good, but I couldn't resist it anyway!  Mind so weak…  Hee hee hee hee.  Tune in next week!!!!  PLEASE?


	3. Interauthor Crossovers

Little Purple Flying Trunks 

A/N:  Sorry sorry sorry… Gomen nasai, loyal readers!  I did not post this past weekend and I'd tell you why, but I think you'd much rather just read the story ^_^  I've debated whether or not to comment on the query of my nationality… Am I British?  Live on the England island?  Do I rub noses with the U.Ker's?  Heh… the answer is no.  I'm as American as the cheese (even though that cheese is gross- I prefer provolone ^_^).  I can fake it pretty well, huh?  Hee hee… I do my homework.

ON WITH IT…

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Part Three: Inter-author Crossover

(is this even possible??)

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(_Enter Chorus_)

CHORUS: From the tall and proud cornbread stalks 

Came forth a creature of unsurpassable curiosity.  

Its height was puny, though not miniscule; 

Its hair was red as the morrow eve's sun, covering all its form.

A fox! on two feet; 

It stood on hind legs, as if t'were human.

And so the beast approached our young hero,

Bearing ivory teeth and sapphire eyes.

FOX: By the moon, I swear:

Is that you, Trunks?

TRUNKS: My name is PRINCESS Trunks.  

Do I know you?

FOX: O cruel prose!  

Why dost thou speak such treachery against me?

You injure my heart by denying our acquaintance;

Its blood stains your hands;

Its ache fills my breast.

TRUNKS:  Heh heh, you said 'breast.'

FOX:  Trunks, my heavenly love,

Tis I, heir to fauna and flora,

Your lovely Aurora!

TRUNKS:  Whoa whoa whoa.  

Okay, first of all: 

What the hell is the deal with this fucked up story structure?  

Why are my sentences all cut up

Into different lines?

And why are you rhyming?!

(The Narrator hangs head in shame.  "Sorry, I'll fix it.")

"Okay, that's better," said Princess Trunks, who is arguably in the runnings for being 'Trunks, QUEEN of…'

(Trunks smashes through the Fourth Wall and punches the Narrator in the face.  "Stop ad-libbing!  Now, lets continue."  Trunks resumes his place behind the Fourth Wall.)

 "Now as I was saying… Secondly…"  Trunks paused.  He mindlessly counted his fingers and muttered to himself.  Coming upon an epiphany he FINALLY continued, "Oh right!  Secondly, your name is Aurora?  Aren't you…?"

She waved a hand wildly through the air, "Yes yes, a shameless plug for an unpublished DBZ story by The Author.  But I'm not in that story now.  I am _acting_.  So just go along with the script you idiot!"

"Okay.  So why were you speaking all Shakespeare-like, foxy girl?… I mean!  Fox-Girl… er no, girlie fox… Uh, what's my line?"

The animal-creature whispered to him, "You're supposed to ask me what I am doing in this field of cornbread stalks."

"But I don't care."

"Ugh!" she screamed.  "You are such an imbecile!!  Why am I surrounded by incompetents?!"

"Incompetent?  _Incompetent_?!  If I were whatever that word means, would I have snagged this nifty keen basket from Piccoloser?"  Trunks held up the pretty pink basket for all to see.

"SNAGGED?!  Are you serious?  Piccolo _made_ you take it.  There was no _snagging_ involved!  Are you even aware of what is going on?  I'll bet you aren't.  I'll bet you prance around all day and night in a dream world where pre-adolescent boys can wear purple dresses and ride unicorns."

Trunks' eyes filled with magical wonderment.  "Unicorns are pretty."

"Shut up."  Aurora-fox 'snagged' the basket from Trunks.  He protested, but she stuck her furry foot in his mouth to silence him.  "Let's see what you've got in here."  She rifled through the basket.  "Very interesting…  Did you know you were carrying 57 condoms, Vaseline, and incense in here?"

"Oooooooo… I like incense."  Trunks reached out longingly for the basket of... stuff.  Aurora-fox threw it at his feet, spilling its contents onto the dirt.  Trunks dropped to his knees, screaming bloody murder.

"Ergh!  I can't take this anymore," grumbled the fox-girl.  "If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer."  And she walked away, through the 15 feet of stalks, and into her trailer.

Once Trunks had replaced all the items into the basket, he trotted off after Aurora-fox.  He didn't go far before he ran into her trailer.  Literally.  He might have broken his nose or something.  We're not sure.  But we'll go on as if it didn't even happen.  _Got it?_

The (stupid) demi-Saiyan barged into the trailer, without even knocking.  He was greeted by an assault of hair care products, pots, pans, chairs, a toaster, Chiaotzu, and yes… even a kitchen sink.

Trunks just let them hit him… in the head.  (Which mostly explains his stupidness.) "Ow! Ow!  Cut it out already!"

"How dare you come in here unannounced!  I'm NAKED!"  Aurora-fox screamed.  She continued throwing objects at him.  A pillow, a mirror, harpoon, vibrator, pair of glasses, Mr. Potatohead…

Trunks' frustration got the better of him.  He powered up and became a supersaiyan.  Aurora-fox stared at him in mid-throw of a grenade.  The pin was in the other hand.  In shock of his transformation, she let the grenade fall from her hand.  (Baka woman)  

Trunks went to action… He ate the grenade.  And then he blew up.  

THE END

(Oops, that's not right.  I promised you guys a lot more chapters.  I can't do that if the moron blows himself up.  Let us try that again…)

Trunks went to action… He grabbed the fox-girl and his basket and flew them the hell outta there.  The trailer exploded in the distance and everyone was safe… except for Chiaotzu, who "unfortunately" was not able to make it to safety before the explosion.  

(Ah, that's better.)

He placed Aurora-fox on the ground and she promptly smacked him across the face.  "You idiot!  I'm still naked!  Now where will I get clothes?!"

"Uhh… you've never worn clothes before.  You're a fox.  They don't wear clothes."

"Oh yes.  Silly me.  Well then, thank you.  You look good as a blonde.  Hey, I'm heading to a club in South City.  Wanna come?"

"I dunno," he looked at her warily.  "My Daddy-kins told me never to go to clubs.  They are dangerous cesspools of raging hormones.  Whatever that means."

"Oh c'mon.  Do you always do what your father tells you?" she whispered into the TWELEVE year-old's ear.

But his Daddy-kin's voice echoed in his head, _One duck plus two ducks equals three ducks.  And if you add a goat, the four of them are still smarter than Kakarott!!  Hahahahaha!_

And on a more related note, Trunks followed Aurora-fox to the club in South City.  

("Wait a minute!  What happened to his mission to cure Bulma's blindness?  Stupid men.  So easily distracted.  Even the implication of a woman's presence turns them into blathering fools.  Poor Bulma.  She is doomed to be forever blind, because her mentally challenged son is tooOOOOO…  AHHHHHHHH!!"

Trunks pummels the Narrator into a bloody mess.  He kicks The Narrator once in the ribs and yells vehemently, "That'll teach you to insert your own opinions into this story!  I'll cure my Mummy-dearest's blindness.  Eventually.  AFTER the club.  AFTER women that are twice my age hit on me!  THEN I'll go to Dende.  So there!"  Trunks flies off, leaving The Narrator groaning on the floor.)

So tune in… next week… Or whenever The Narrator heals.  Clubbing excitement and _eventually_ curing Bulma's blindness.  ("Pardon my crassness earlier.  MY mistake."  **grumble grumble**)

Groooaaannnnn…

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Ok, that's it from me.  Not exactly my INSANE humor, but I found it amusing all the same.  And that's the _real_ reason I write these things.  To amuse myself.  AND to save me from the horrors of real-life college stress.  Amusing the rest of you is just a pleasant aside.  Anywho, thanks for reading!! (And reviewing!)


	4. Changing the Scenery

Little Purple Flying Trunks 

A/N:  I feel bad about not posting in over two weeks… or whatever it's been.  To make it up to you guys, I've decided to give you folks, the readers, a little bit of creative control over the next few chapters.  SO!  For a limited time only (I dunno, a week?), submit your requests (in the reviews) and I'll do my very, very bestest to incorporate ALL the ideas I get!

Ok.  Pre-story spiel is over now.  Thanks for the great reviews so far!  I love you guys ^_^

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Part Four: Changing the Scenery

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We rejoin our peculiar hero in the midst of a rabid crowd of the city's youth.

("Well, he's _probably_ in the midst of the crowd.  It took a bit longer to get to the club, due to aches, pains and a broken leg.  Kinda slows the pursuing.  And so it's assumed Trunks is out there.  Anyway…")

The floor was packed with people dancing and grinding and schmoozing and various other activities that transpire during the late-night.  And there was much of it going on.  There were so many freaking people!  Jeez, why couldn't Aurora-fox pick a small cozy coffee shop to hang out at?

("Yeah, enough of this crap.  There is no time to waste searching for him.  I, The Narrator, have summoned…

…

…

The Author!!  You're in for it now, Trunks.  Bwahahaha.")

A loud, booming voice with no apparent source reverberated through the stuffy club.

\\Turn off the music!  Everyone shut up!/_/_

The club-goers clasped their ears and hunched over in pain.  The stereo's screamed with interference, then the sound system was silenced.  Everyone looked around; at each other, at the doors, at the speakers; some looked skyward.

\\Where is the boy?//

The entire club was filled with frightened faces.  Whispers of, "It's God" were heard.  Still others believed it was the police on a bust.  But no matter what their belief, no one answered the booming voice.

\\I don't have time for your cowering!  Which, by the way, I really hate…  Stop cowering and tell me where he is!//

Whimpers echoed throughout room, inhabiting each individual, but no one dared make a sound louder than that.  No one, except one lone voice that, though it trembled, spoke to the voice that seemingly came from another world.  "W-What b-b-boy?  We d-don't know who y-you're talking ab-bout."

\\Ah yes, of course.  I always forget that you people aren't innately aware of the things I am.  Ok, well you can't miss him.  He's 12 years old and wearing a plum evening gown.  I think he still has a feather boa on.//

The brave soul spoke again, trying not to sound disrespectful, but… "You did say it was a _boy_ you were looking for?"

\\Are you so close-minded as to judge another person by the way they dress?!//

"I-I'm sorry.  But an evening gown?"

\\Don't make me eliminate you!  And at least he's not wearing make-up this time.  Have you seen him?//

"No."

\\Argh!  Has anyone seen him?!//

A chorus of voices rang out in affirmative.  In the back of the club, the crowd dispersed and created a circle around two figures.  It was Trunks and Aurora-fox.  She was holding a colorful drink (you know, the ones that are lethal to drink, but you can't resist because they have those cute little umbrellas), and Trunks was sitting next to her looking dumb founded.  Face covered with lipstick.

("Ha, but we all know foxes don't even have lips!  So don't even think what you were thinking.")

\\Trunks!  I found you, you little bastard!  Get outside now!//

"Awwww, c'mon.  I was having fun!"

\\I said NOW!//

"Eep." So Trunks went outside and—

"I may be in trouble, Narrator-person, but you still have to address me as royalty," said the sexually confused demi-Saiyan.

"Hey!  I am NOT sexually confused!  Stop making up lies!  Look at this lipstick!  I'm straight as an arrow."

("Look here, Trunks.  I don't know where that lipstick came from.  We already deduced that it's not from that girl-fox hybrid you were with.  And you're about to get your ass kicked by The Author, so I suggest you shut up.")

"No way!  The Author is a complete baka!  This story sucks!  Everything you two have me do makes me look like a moron!  Why… If I had my own way, I would be the coolest guy in town!"

\\Like you were in the club?//

"Exactly."

\\Okay, let's see for ourselves how 'cool' you are without our guidance.//

"Eep eep."

**Flashback**

In the club:  Trunks was in the center of the dance floor, still holding his basket in one hand, and the boa in the other.  He was twirling in circles, screaming, "I am a pretty Princess boy! I am a pretty Princess boy!" in great rapidity.  

It would not have been very noticeable, but at the time, the band was taking a rest in between songs.  EVERYone was staring at the boy, insanely dancing to a song in his head.

Aurora-fox tried to stop him once, but when she got close, one of Trunks' fists smashed her in the face.  So she gave up and let the poor sap twirl happily, singing, "I am a Pretty Princess Boy."

In horror, the band started playing again, to drown him out.  They had to nearly blow-out their speakers to do it.

Aurora-fox had given up on him and started grinding with some fine-looking marine men.  But not as fine-looking as a 12-year old Trunks wearing an evening gown.  

("Yeah, you heard me.")

Trunks eventually got so dizzy he fell over…

Aurora-fox abandoned the marines and retrieved her fallen hero.  He HAD, after all, saved her from the live grenade she had stupidly dropped (way back in Chapter 3).  She dragged him off to a booth and ordered a couple drinks… both for herself.  She was in the middle of the eleventh one, when "the voice" came.

When Trunks heard the voice, he shrieked like a girl and hid under the table and ate his boa.  To wash it down, he opened the jar of Vaseline and scooped handfuls into his mouth.  That is when the crowd dispersed and Aurora-fox pulled him into sight.

**Flashback over**

_Princess_ Trunks placed his hands on his _curvaceous_ hips and scowled.

\\Now surely Trunks, you must admit that without us, you would be a giggling pile of ooze, doomed to schlagaggle on the floor without a single rational thought ever croelesching your prebiotic paramecium-sized brain.//

Trunks stared with eyes so wide that anyone witnessing the spectacle might have thought they would explode.  But they didn't.  Although that would be funny.  Eyeballs exploding.  

("Heh heh….. Where was I?  Oh yeah…")

Trunks found his voice, "I-I- I really don't understand what you said, but never-the-less, I am fairly certain you made up some of those words."

("How dare you speak to The Author like that!")

"Stupid Narrator.  C'mon those words weren't real!  Schlagaggle?  And am I supposed to believe 'rational' is a word?!  Gimme a break."

("You're right.  You're a fucking genius, Princess Trunks.  That's why you ate Vaseline.  And a boa.")

Trunks powered up, "You can't prove it!"

("As if the flashback weren't enough!  Don't forget that I have the power to make your stomach explode on a whim, spilling its undigested contents onto the ground.")

"Eep eep eep!"

\\All right, all right!  Shut up, both of you!//

"The Narrator started it."

\\Ugh. Trunks, you have the maturity of a 12-year old.//

"I am 12 years old!"

\\Oh right.  I forget these things sometimes.//

"This explains a lot of things in your stories…"

\\SILENCE!  Just because my brain lack continuous functionality doesn't mean that I have no comprehension of the matters at hand.//

"Matters at hand?"  Trunks stared at his hands, flipping them over and waving them in the air.  "I don't see any 'compensation matters' on my hands."

\\Where am I?//

"I don't know.  The Land of Oz, maybe?  I hear that place is pretty crazy."

\\Damnit!  Why didn't anyone tell me?!  There should be an Emerald Tower and a Purple Brick road here!//

Suddenly, a monstrous tower rose into the distant sky.  It was emerald-colored.  And a road made of purple bricks materialized beneath Trunks' feet.

"I thought the road was supposed to be yellow."

("You fool!  If The Author says the road is purple, then it shall be purple!")

Trunks shrugged.  "Now what do I do?"

\\You are to take the basket of goodies to the Plunderful Lizard of Oz.  Baka.  Haven't you ever seen the movie?//

"Obviously not this fucked-up version."

("Watch your mouth, troll!")

"Hey!  That was mean.  Why did you call me a troll?"

("I liked the irony – referring to another story by The Author, 'Who Can Survive my Creativity?'")

Trunks grimaced.  He began walking along the purple, brick road toward the Emerald Tower.

("The Author says you have to sing the song while you walk.")

"Which one?"

("'We're off to see the Lizard.'")

"But I'm the only one here!  There is no 'we!'"

\\JUST SING IT!//

"Eep eep eep eep.  Uh… W-We're off to the lizard.  The _plunderful_ lizard of Oz… Becoz Becoz Becoz Becoz Becooooooz… Becoz the purple, brick road is pretty and matches my dressssssss!"

\\Bah.  Close enough.//

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A/N:  Okay that's it for me.  Send those reviews/story suggestions!  But I warn you... school is about to get horribly busy for me in the next two weeks.  Don't expect much for awhile.  Very sorry.  I'll try my best.  Thanks for reading, as always ^_^


	5. The NonChapter

"Little Purple Riding Trunks"

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Part Four-and-a-half: Non-chapter

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A/N:  As the chapter title states, this is by no means a chapter.  I'm posting because I am getting nervous about having no material for my reader-inspired chapter(s).  Or maybe the correct words are "desperate for material."

Heh, well… I hope people read this story and share an idea or two.  As I said, I'll try and incorporate ALL of them into this story (and I'll give you credit of course).  I don't care if your idea is "I think Trunks should wear a hat."  Say it, and it will be so.  The more ideas I get, the more crazy and "interesting" this will be.  

Of course I could do this story all by myself, as I have done all my other humor stories.  But… The Author is looking for something different.  Something fresh.  Ha.

…

………….

……………………..

……………………………..

……………………………………..Don't make me beg.

Postscript… But not really, b/c I never really stopped writing… If you like this humor, R&R "Trunks Gets a New Job."  I think that's my best one so far.

And in conclusion, there will be a new chapter as soon as I get some chapter plot feedback  ^_^


	6. Blue Oxen AND WHY NOT!

The Plunderful Lizard of Oz (a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks) 

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N:  I've gotten one story suggestion so far.  It was an excellent suggestion by "Luhem" (check the reviews, this person was not signed in *gasp*), and has been included in this chapter.  Longer than the others and I don't know why.  Oh well.

Also worthy to note, I think a person of the _male gender_ reviewed this story (*gasp* again)!  "Evil SSJ Prairie Dog"?  I think that's phenomenal, b/c I have always believed that most people on this website were female.

ON WITH IT!!

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Part Five: Blue Oxen (AND WHY NOT?!)

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Last time, in the mysterious workings of irrationality: Lovely Trunks was suddenly submerged in a new world.  The Land of Oz.  

("Uh-oh.  Wait.  Someone could sue for this.  The Author is now telling me it's 'The Land of Ox.'  Got it?  Ox.  Not Oz.  NOT! OZ!")

So… Looooovely Trunks was placed in The Land of Ox… and he was skipping down the purple-brick road in his plum-colored evening gown carrying his basket of "goodies."

And he was singing.

"Awwww, but I'm sick and tired of singing."

("Shut up!  The Author wills it so.")

Princess Trunks grumbled and began singing again.  (off-key, I might add)  "Iiiiii'm off to see the Lizard!  The plunderful Lizard of Ox.  Uhh. He's a plunderful Lizard if ever a Lizard there was.  Uhhhhh.  He lives in an emerald castle, and… Uh.  Because because because because BECAAAAUUUUUSE…  Aw, fuck it.  I don't remember the words."

So Princess Trunks in her plum dress was frolicking along and came to a fork in the road.  An interesting situation.  There were only two options for him.

Pick it up, or leave it there.

\\A fork!!  Get it?!?!  Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha!  I crack myself up.//

(**The Narrator punches her/him self in the eye.**)

Trunks decided to pick up the fork.  He seeeeeductively slipped it into his cleavage for safe keeping.  Then he started to cry.

("Psst.  Author?  Why is he crying?")

\\I don't know.  I didn't tell him to do that.//

("Uh-oh, what's going on?  If you didn't tell him to do that, then why did I write it?")

\\Beats me.  UNLESS!//

("Unless what?")

\\Huh?//

("You said… Argh.  Nevermind."  **The Narrator punches her/his self in the other eye.**)

\\Why'd you punch yourself in the eyes?//

("Why is a scatterbrain allowed to be The Author of any story on this website?")

\\Because stupidity is funny.  Tee-hee-hee.//

(**The Narrator punches her/his self in the nose**)

\\Trunks is still crying.  You better get back to the story.//

("Somebody save me.  Siiiiigh")

So Trunks was still crying.  He sat himself in the road and started crying and no one knows why.  Hopefully, something happens soon otherwise this will get boring.

…

…

…

…

C'mon.  Someone's gotta walk by here.  It's a purple brick road for criss'sake!

…

…

…

…

…

…

Apparently no one lives in The Land of Ox.

…

…

…

("Wait a minute.  Ox… Ox?  That sounds familiar…  OH I KNOW")

…

…

…

Down the road, a figure was running toward the little, crying Trunks.  It was…the OX KING.  He approached the boy cautiously, not wanting to startle or further upset him.

Unfortunately, the man did both.  Trunks looked up and was scared to death by the looming presence.  He then screamed and cried harder.

"There, there, little Trunks.  Don't cry.  I've come to… to…"  He scratched his head.  "Well, I don't know why I've come, but now that I'm here, I might as well try to cheer you up."

Trunks sniffed and the Ox King wiped his tears away with the boa. (Which he must have regurgitated or something after eating it back in South City).  The feathers tickled his nose and Trunks giggled.

"There, do you feel better now?"

"Not really."

"Aw.  Well why not?"

Trunks sniffed the snot into his throat and swallowed heartily.  The Ox King almost threw up.  But! he persevered and maintained composure to hear Trunks explain.

(The Narrator, however, did not fare so well, and has visited the bathroom.  "Be back shortly.")

"Well, Mr. Goten's-Grandpa, I don't feel any better because the mean ole Narrator keeps makin fun of me.  I started crying because The Narrator said I have cleavage."  The corners of Trunks' mouth turned downward and his brows knit together in despair.  "I DON'T WANT CLEAVAGE!"  And the pretty boy started to wail again.

"Oh my," said the Ox King.  "Well dry those tears, Trunks.  I think I can help you."

"You can?!" exclaimed a suddenly _gay_ Princess.  "CHIKUSHO, Narrator!  Don't call me gay!"

("Gay as in happy, you numbnut!  And don't swear at me in Japanese, bakayaro!")

"Your words are filled with irony, Narrator."

("Isn't it ironic?  Dontcha think?"  **Narrator punches her/his self in the neck** for uttering lyrics from an Alanis Morissette song.)

The Ox King looked quite perplexed.  "Trunks?  Who are you talking to?"

"The Narrator, duh."

"Who?"

"Ohhhhhh, silly me.  I forgot that you morons aren't aware of the fourth wall.  Nevermind.  So tell me Ox King… Ox-ey… Oxy… Oxy acne medication.  Hee hee hee."

There was an awkward silence, because the Ox King thinks Bulma and Vegeta's son has cracked.  Lost his marbles.  A few cards short of a whole deck.  Missing some squid from the sushi buffet.  

("Yeah, that's right.  Sushi.")

Trunks looked around, confusedly.  "What's going on?"

"Uh, I was going to cheer you up, Trunks," said the Ox King.

"Oh yeah!  Okay.  How?"

"Well, you said that a narrator was making fun of you, teasing you about your sexuality, right?"

"Did I?"

"YES!  But can you blame 'the narrator?'  You are wearing a dress."

"So?"

The Ox King wasn't surprised at Trunks' confusion.  Bulma and Vegeta weren't very good parents compared to Goku and his Chi-Chi.  Goku and Chi-Chi at least made sure that their children weren't running around dressed in purple clothes.  Although, Gohan was developing a taste for bandana's, sunglasses, and overall "dork-itude."

("You know what I mean.")

And Goten had a collection of Chip n' Dale pictures in a shoe box under his bed.

But at least neither of them wore dresses!

"I'm going to give you something that will make you happier, okay Trunks?"

The boy grinned and waited for the gift.  However, the grin faded when an odd article of clothing was displayed before him.  It was shiny and black… and Trunks had no idea what it was.

He pointed at it, "What is that?"

The Ox King stammered.  "J-Just put it on, okay?  I-I-I'll t-tell you when y-you put it- when you p-p-put it on."

"Ok."  So Trunks willingly put it on.  It fit snug against his body and, of course, he looked DAMN good in it.  Therefore, he no longer cared what it was.

But as a reader, you might care what it was… The garment was a black, latex catsuit.  The designers couldn't have picked a more perfect male body to wear it.  Trunks looked fantastisimal.

_And he knew it._

"Thanks, Mr. Goten's-Grandpa!  This is great!  I feel much better now.  I better be going though.  I need to get to the emerald castle-thing and find a plundering lizard so that I can wish my mom's vision back to schlagaggly-normal."

The Ox King had no idea what Trunks was talking about.  But he was pretty sure it had something to do with the boy losing all the squid in his sushi buffet.  Yeah.

"One more thing before you go, Trunks!"  

The catsuited-boy turned and caught the items thrown at him.  "What are these?   Oooooooo, spandex-y boots and gloves!  Just like my Daddy-kins wears!  Yaaayy!  Where did you get these?"

"Oh, your father left them here after a late-night rendezvous with Goku."

("We'll just leave that statement alone, laden with ambiguity.")

Trunks didn't understand "ambiguity."  He was turning in circles, hopping on alternate feet and clapping his hands, "Tee hee hee hee.  Now I can romp around in latex and spandex and The-baka-Narrator can't make fun of me!"

(Oh, it's all _too_ easy, Princess Trunks.)

"Trunks?" the Ox King queried.  "I will need… 'payment'… for those clothes."  A twisted smile spread on the gargantuan man's face.

"Oh!  Of course!  I don't have any money, and I can't give you anything from the basket of goodies Picco-loser gave me, because I think he would turn me into one of his British minions…… but you can have… THIS FORK!"  He whipped the fork out of the collar to his catsuit.  He presented it to the Ox King.  "It's a purdy fork.  I found it in the road."

Ox King reluctantly accepted it as "payment."  And so Trunk left the Ox King with shattered dreams and a fork in hand.

***************************************

A/N: I don't know where Trunks is going next.  That's for you to decide?  I am obviously still accepting your plot input.  In fact, this is fun, so I'll accept anyone's ideas until this fanfic is done.  SO WRITE.

Ha.  I hope this funny.  I dunno.  I'm running on empty here.  My theme for this story is: changing the story when I run out of ideas.  Again, I hope it's funny.  At least amusing.  I am amused.  Also tired… so it doesn't take much to amuse me  ^_^


	7. Dreams and Fancies

The Plunderful Lizard of Oz

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N:  Sorry I haven't updated sooner, but I haven't been in the right mind to write this lately.  And the LACK OF SUGGESTIONS hasn't helped.  Grrrrrr.  At least I have ONE faithful reader.  Yay to … well, I don't know what to call him because he's always changing his name.  But he knows who he is ^_____^  The only one who has given me story suggestions.

I am very grateful for his support.  Perhaps if he gives me a name to use, I might insert him into the story… if he wants ^_^  Lemme know.

Okay… ON WITH IT!!!  Tee hee hee hee.

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Part Six: Dreams and Fancies

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We rejoin our unlikely… character… in the Land of Ox.  And as we all know, it is named the Land of Ox because the Ox King is, well hell, let's go out on a limb and make him the King of the Land of Ox.

The sissiest Princess-of-all-boys-claiming-to-be-Princess's was lying in a field of brightly colored poppy-looking flowers.  The PANSY was sleeping 

\\Get it?!  "pansy" like the flower!!  ahhhhhahahahahahahahaha……  *ahem*//

Little Trunksie-wunksie was sweeping, er, sleeping in a field of poppies.  And Little Trunksie-wunksie was still dressed in the black, latex catsuit.  The one that the Ox King gave to him.  Why you wonder?

("Well, I don't want to repulse anyone, so I won't get into that.")  

So keep wondering!  But he was wearing his father's gloves, which had been mysteriously left at the Son residence.

("Argh… Sleeping is boring!!  What are we supposed to do while this baka sleeps?!  It's not like there are really any other main characters.  Hmmm, I suppose we could delve into the boy's dream.   Mwahahahaha.  Indeed.")

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

("That's the dream sequence signifier.  Yeah.")

Instead of sleeping, Trunks was sitting in the poppy field.  His 12-year old body was stark naked.  Because people have dreams like that.  Really.  So anyway, Trunks was in the nude and sitting on the ground...  Still boring.  

("So, through the otherworldly powers of The Author, British Piccolo is summoned!") 

\\Woooo! ^__^ //

Trunks looked at his friend, whom he's not seen since Chapter Two!  Piccolo still looked like Sherlock Holmes, or someone else appropriately British.  As in Chapter Two, the green lizard man was still wearing the frock coat and smoking a pipe.  Except, this was a 12-year old's dream, so rather than smoke, the pipe was producing bubbles.  _Square_ bubbles.  

"Hiya, Piccoloser!  What are you doing in my dream?"

"Dream, eh?  I wish that were enough to explain your absence of clothing."

Trunks giggled and sprawled out in the flowers, "Tee hee.  I'm glad you came.  I was getting bored."

"So was the audience.  That's why I was summoned."

Trunks stood, letting it alllll hang out.  "What is that supposed to mean?!  I'm not entertaining enough for these ingrates?!"

In reference to the boy's, er, package, "Holy French whore!  Sit back down before I vomit!"

Trunks plopped himself on the ground again, letting the flowers cover him.  "Did you call me a French whore?"  His lower lip protruded in full pout mode.  He was moments away from all-out bawling.

Piccolo-from-England crossed his arms, "No, but there really isn't any difference between you and a French whore, is there?"

Naked Trunks worked himself into a hysterical fit.  Crying and screaming and sniffling and the whole-bit. British Piccolo stuck wads of poppies into his ears.

Trunks persisted.  Getting louder and louder, his wails gaining new levels of ear-bleeding madness.  The poppies weren't enough to block the cries and U.K. Piccolo clamped his hands over his ears.  Still no good.  The screams grew louder and got higher-pitched.

Soon enough, British Piccolo's head exploded.

Trunks stopped crying.  He stared at the headless body, still standing in front of him.  He gasped, "I killed Piccoloser!!!  My only friend! Wahhh!"  He began crying again.

"Stop your bloody crying, wanker."

Trunks sniffed, "Piccoloser?  I thought I killed you."

The headless body said, "Just because my head explodes, doesn't mean I'm going to die.  What do you take me for?  A Frenchman? Those naff woofters don't have the goolies to bonk the most grotty tart!"

"Piccoloser," said Trunks with a most-innocent voice, "I don't think it's appropriate to talk about drunk French-people having sex with prostitutes."

"Well, bugger me backwards!  You little plonker," the headless British Piccolo laughed.  "You're not as daft as I thought."

"It's MY dream, of course I understand everything you say.  Duh.  In real life, I am mostly brain dead."

"Quite," said a well chuffed… er, smug… Piccolo, sans one head.  "Well, my boy.  I am knackered.  Time for you to awaken."

"Huh?"

"C'mon now.  Time to finish the chapter.  Wake up.  Open your eyes…"  And the headless apparition of British Piccolo slowly disappeared into the air.

\\Wake up//

"Awwwww, that means I gotta wear clothes again."

\\WAKE UP, KONO AMA!//

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

("Thus signifying the END of the dream.")

Princess Trunks pried his eyelids open.  He blinked, clearing the sleep induced fog from his vision.  Blurred at first, but becoming clearer, was a woman's figure standing in front of him.  She had long, straight, black hair.  There was a thin, spike collar around her neck and she wore spandex; it looked like a bathing suit to naïve Trunks, but it was tied up the front with a thick string, and had lace around the edges.

The boy blinked again.  A little clearer now.  Fish net stockings, tall black boots up to her thighs.  She held a whip in her hand.

He squinted up at the woman, just to be sure…  Yup, It was Chi-Chi.  And she spoke with the same condescending tone as always.

"My father told me I would find you out here."

"Goten's Mom? What are you doing out here?"

"I've been sent to bring you into the Ox Kingdom Castle, where you will give appropriate payment for those clothes.  A _fork_ just doesn't cut it, Trunks."

"My name is _Princess_ Trunks."

"Yeah?  And mine is Mistress Chi-Chi, the Dominatrix."

("Somehow, all this isn't too much of a stretch.  Heh.")

"I can't go with you to the Ox Kingdom Castle," the Fairy Princess whined.  "I have to go to the Emerald City and see the Plunderful Lizard so that I get my Mommy-dearest's eyes fixededed."

Mistress Chi-Chi stalked toward the boy, still lying on the ground in his latex catsuit.  She placed her boot-clad foot on his chest, holding him firmly to the ground.  "You will come with me, boy.  You will pay my father the price he asks, and you _will_ like it."

"I- I-" Trunks hopelessly stammered as he watched _Mistress_ Chi-Chi run the strands of the whip through her fingers.  Tears were pooling in his 12-year old eyes.

"Don't cry now, my pet.  The fun hasn't even begun," she smiled, then knelt.  One knee pressed hard into Princess Trunks' chest, the other rested on the ground next to him.

Oh, what ever shall our "hero" do?!

A hot wind blew across the field and knocked Chi-Chi many feet from her would-be victim.  She leaped to her feet, only to find herself standing face-to-face with the Saiyan Prince.

He was royally ticked off.

\\Ahhhhhh hahahahahaha!  "Royally!!"  I am the ultimate ruler of bad puns!  Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee//

Vegeta broke the stare with Mistress Chi-Chi and yelled to the sky, "Urusai!!  I don't want The Author making any more pathetic jokes about me or my son!  Do you hear me?!  Insult the others all you want, but my stay away from my bloodline!"

("Uh oh.  Vegeta made The Author angry.  This should be good.  Heh heh.")

"What the hell are you taking about, baka?"

A thick smoke rose from the ground at the feet of the arrogant Prince.  He tried to escape it, but found himself stuck fast to the ground.  The cloud enveloped him, and he could only watch in horror.

Only hilarity can ensue…

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A/N:  That was fun ^_^  I enjoy writing for Piccoloser.  And Mistress Chi-Chi was a brilliant idea submitted by the nameless one I mentioned above.  Hee hee, and Vegeta is going to fun as well – though I will try and stay away from the "Veggie torturing" themes.  They're hilarious, but they have been done TO DEATH.

Ok, I'd appreciate more more more suggestions.  Laterz ^_^


	8. The Author is a Coffee Addict

The Plunderful Lizard of Oz (a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks) 

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N: Some business to take care of… Please, bear with me (or skip to the story if you don't care – but some of this prattle might pertain to you!).

First: I have no idea what the reviewer "person" is talking about.  Give me a pen name or something so I can at least understand what this barking frog thing is.

Second: The Red Dwarf (formerly known as "the nameless one" ^_^) needs to clarify the statement "I shall be the one torturing Veggie" in his review.  I'm not exactly sure what you're getting at.

And the rest: I am hesitant to make Mirai Trunks a 53X 514\/5 _only_ b/c I have done it ALREADY! Indeed I have. Read "Trunks Gets a New Job." DO IT. DO IT NOW ^_^ As a side note, I think I'll be adding more chapters to it soon, even though it's "done."  
HOWEVER, I promised to include ALL plot ideas... so I will.  Eventually.  For now, I'm simply going to throw MT into the chaos. And trust me, this will hurt _you_ more than it does me ^_^  

I like the Goku/Guard idea.  Tre funny!  Hee hee hee.  As of now, it conflicts with _my_ ideas (yes, I still have some ^_^).  But no worries, I'll get to it.  You'll have to wait and see…

BLEH! That was painful…  ON WITH IT!!!!

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Part Seven: The Author is a Coffee Addict

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Oodles of smoke surrounded Vegeta.  And other scary, intimidating stuff.  Like, dramatic music!  And- And- bolts of lightning!  And a cute widdle bunny-wabbit.

(In an attempt to keep the "scary" theme going, The Narrator shouts, "Let it be known that The Author shall have revenge against those who spew hateful mockery.")

\\Wooooo! Yes!  Revenge!  Bwahahahahaha!!  Let's see how the Prince likes his new look.  Bwahahah-Oooooo, a cute widdle bunny-wabbit!!//

("Uhhh… The Author has been momentarily distracted, i.e., chasing the bunny-wab, er bunny-rabbit.  Let's continue.")

Vegeta watched as the smoke dissolved away.  He hastily surveyed his body, looking for any changes.  Ten fingers, two feet, his hair was still defying the laws of gravity.  Everything appeared normal.

He laughed, "So these are the powers of the mighty Author?  Stupid parlor tricks?  I'm shaking in my fucking boots.  Don't try anything like that again, or I will destroy this planet and then your pathetic story will be over!"

\\Tee hee hee.  grin Whatever you say, Veggie.//

"Augh!  Don't call me that!"  He shuddered, and thought, _I hope The Author hasn't been reading those so-called 'Veggie torturing' stories.  Those people frighten me._

Of course, The Narrator and The Author can hear everything that _any_one is thinking in the story.  Their grins widened  GRIN  See?  Wider grins.

Vegeta looked at them suspiciously, but chalked the insane smiles up to, well… their insanity.  He had more important things to take care of anyway.  Mistress Chi-Chi was one of them and she was currently attempting to sneak away from the poppy field.  On her tip toes.  But then, the stiletto heels on her boots made that virtually impossible.

"Where do you think you're going, devil woman?"  On his way to pummel Chi-Chi, he kicked the cute widdle bunny-wabbit.  Because he has a dark heart and whatnot.  And how about no soul, while we're at it?  The Author was not too thrilled about the unwarranted violence, but said nothing because the addition to Vegeta's persona was enough revenge for everything!!

Dun dun dun!!!

(And the bunny-wabbit was okay despite the brutal kicking.  No animals are harmed in the telling of this story.  The only things wounded are the reader's intellects, i.e., you are all probably dumber after reading this.  Ohhhh just wait...)

By the time Vegeta was within arms reach of Chi-Chi, she was staring wildly at him.  Of course, the moron inaccurately _assumed_ it was because she was scared stiff.  The trademark malevolent smirk appeared.

Princess Trunks ran up to his father and tugged on his sleeve (which was difficult, because it's a spandex sleeve).  The boy was trying to tell him something through gestures (not words, that'd be too easy).  Vegeta ignored his son and continued staring at the "terrified" Chi-Chi.

The 12-year old boy in the catsuit gave up and began eating poppies instead.  Poppies.  Poppies are the source of (the _illegal_ drug) opium.  Wheeeeeee!

(Yes, there was a reason The Author put the characters in a poppy field.  But, for the record, it's not a very good reason.)

Vegeta reached a hand toward Chi-Chi's neck.  He was going to teach that loud-mouthed bitch a thing or two about threatening his son.

"Vegeta!  Don't you dare lay a hand on her!"

"Kakarott?!"  The Prince spun around.

But… there was no one behind him.  Vegeta spun in circles, looking for the third-class warrior.  He eventually got dizzy and fell over.

His head was still swimming when he heard the goofy Saiyan's voice again.  "Wow!  That was fun!  Can we do it again??"

Vegeta was utterly confused.  Where was the voice coming from?  Was he going insane?

He sat up and saw his 12-year old son dancing and twirling in the flowers.  The boy was talking to himself.  This isn't much different than any other day, except today the pretty Princess boy was hallucinating.  You know… seeing sounds, and hearing colors.  The whole nervous system derailed.  Not a pretty sight.

And if that weren't bad enough, Mistress Chi-Chi suddenly wrapped her arms around Vegeta and hugged him tightly.

And if THAT weren't bad enough, some sort of fox creature had wandered in from the forest (yes, that's Aurora-fox) and was dancing around with the hallucinating Fairy Princess.

AND Piccolo had showed up wearing a pinafore apron.  (Think of a frilly bib apron with shoulder straps that cross in the back and tie with a ribbon.  I dunno… It's a British thing)  Anyway, he started yelling at Princess Trunks about a basket the boy seemingly lost.

And for something completely different… Bravely walking into the CHAOTIC MESS was _Mirai Trunks_!!  He strode past the dancing, prancing couple.  He strode past the oddly dressed Piccolo.  He approached Vegeta, who still had Chi-Chi hanging around his chest.  Oh let's see, just for fun… Mirai Trunks was dressed casually.  And to be gratuitous, this meant faded jeans, a clean white t-shirt, and… a black leather jacket.

(**Even The Androgynous Narrator drooled at the sight.**)

But no sword.  (Everyone behind the Fourth Wall frowns in disappointment.)  But see, the sword simply wouldn't complement the ensemble.  Deal with it.

("Sheesh.  The Author is making me be verbose today.")

So Mirai Trunks walked over to Vegeta and started talking… or something.  I don't care.  Sure, talking… why not?  He said something like this: "H3y V5g574, Wh47 7h3 |-|3ll 17 g01ng 0n?"

Vegeta hissed through clenched teeth, "Trunks, I swear on the love I secretly have for bonsai trees… I've put up with enough madness for one day.  I will destroy you if you don't speak normally."

"13375p54k 15 n0rm41.  G57 \/\/17|-| 7h3 71m35, 01d /\/\4n."

"All right, I'm going to kill you now."  Vegeta tried to stand, but Chi-Chi was holding him down.  "Let go of me, wench!"

It was riiiiiiight about this time that Vegeta realized one of his arms was embracing Chi-Chi.

It was also right about this time that Chi-Chi conveniently said, "Oh Goku, tell Vegeta to be nice to me."

(It's also right about this time that The Narrator got sick of skirting around "Vegeta's change.")

Vegeta slowly, and dramatically, turned his head.  He found himself staring into Goku's face.  They were nose-to-nose.  The Prince tried to jump away from the simpleton, but alas, could not.  BECAUSE… if you haven't guessed it by now…

("What did I tell you about getting dumber by reading this?")

… Goku's head had been attached to Vegeta's body!!

Dun dun dun!!

And Vegeta responded by screaming like a girl and punching Goku in the face repeatedly.  Which looked kinda silly, to be frank.

\\I could make a joke about your name being Frank now.//

("Please don't.")

\\Okay…  Toodle doodle dee...//

("Great.  The Author is making another pot of coffee.  That's exactly what we need.")

Mirai Trunks sat down to observe everything, because he really doesn't talk much anyway.

Well, Vegeta finally stopped beating on poor Goku's head.  As if Goku needed the extra brain damage to begin with.  Hoo boy.  Plus, Vegeta realized that punching Goku's head caused him pain too.  They're connected to the same body.  DUH.

So the Vegeta-Goku hybrid-thing sat down and Goku rubbed his head where Vegeta had wailed on it.  "That hurt.  What'd you do that for, Vegeta?"

"I did it because I HATE YOU!"

"Why?" Goku asked innocently.

"Because you're an idiot." And Vegeta punched Goku in the face again, despite the pain it caused him.

"Owwwwww.  Stop that," Goku whined.

Mirai Trunks spoke up, "7|-|47'5 n07 \/\/hy j00 |-|473 |-|1m, V3g374.  17 13 b'c0z |-|3'5 57r0ng5r 7|-|4n j00."

"Whatever the hell you said, boy, I'm sure it was completely untrue.  Don't make me summon the powers of the bonsai."

Mirai Trunks shrugged.

Vegeta pointed at Mirai Trunks and laughed, "That's right!  You will FEAR the superiority of the bonsai!"

Suddenly, Goku snapped the fingers he had control over and blurted, "I have an idea!"

"That must hurt," scoffed Vegeta.

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Goku was oblivious to the insult.  He continued, "Since we've combined into one body, we need a name!"

"No. We. Don't."

"I know what it should be."

"Shut up.  Just shut up now."  Vegeta anticipated the horrors to come.  This was more terrifying than the sight of Piccolo slow dancing with his 12-year old son.

"Gok-eta!  That should be our new name!"

Mirai Trunks doubled over laughing.  "7|-|47 50und5 L1|3 7h3 n4/\/\3 0f 4 b4n4n4!!"

Goku was hurt by those words.  "It does not sound like the name of a banana!"

Vegeta was shocked!  "You can understand that gibberish?!"

"Of course!  Anyone who's ANYONE can understand 13375p54k!  C4n'7 j00?"

"Do that again, and I'll rip your brainless head off my shoulders."

(At this time, The Author is completely hopped up on caffeine.  The only legal, addictive, stimulant for poor college students.)

\\Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee//

In the not-so-distant distance, Princess Trunks screamed!  The Fairy Princess ran over to Goketa, pointing and hopping on alternate feet.  "AHHHHHHHHH!  The two-headed creature I was warned about in Chapter Two that most readers have probably forgotten about!!!!  AHHHHHHHH!"

("Yes, it's alllll the way back there in Ch2.")

Princess Trunks hid behind British Piccolo.  "Don't worry, nancy boy.  The creature I told you about is _pure evil_ and also very smart.  Goketa is neither."

Both Goku and Vegeta started to disagree, but c'mon… who can argue with someone with a British accent? … Well, the Germans, but that's something entirely different.

"Besides," British Piccolo continued, "I was lying about that anyway.  There's no two-headed, evil creature in the forest."

"Ohhhh.  Just like you were lying about the crazy fox that runs around eating purple-haired little boys?"

"No.  I lied about lying about that.  There really IS a crazy fox doing that."

And so… Aurora-fox ran up behind Princess Trunks and ate him!  I am not even kidding.  There were _way_ too many characters.  Princess Trunks?  Yeah, he's gone now.

And no one cared.

Especially not Goku.  He was having a rather enlightening conversation with The Author.  It went like this…

\\I'm eating a carrot.//

"MMmmm.  Food."

\\Carrot is like your name, Kakarott. **Munch munch** Mmmm.  Food.//

"I can smell trees."

\\My blood is pure coffee.//

"Can I have some?"

\\Blood or coffee?//

"Neither.  I want trees."

\\Do you mean…… rice?//

"Oh!  Yeah.  Silly me."

\\You're in luck!  I just happen to have some coffee-flavored rice!//

"Yay!"  And Goku ate the coffee-flavored rice.

And everyone else stared at them with wide eyes and gaping jaws.  Not even Vegeta could find the words to ridicule them.

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A/N:  AUGH!  DONE.

Sorry if anyone doesn't do the "leetspeak," thing but (1) it's really not important for the story, (2) you can go to the link in the reviews and "learn" it, and (3) I don't remember what I was going to say next.  It's almost five o'clock in the morning and I have to be up in 2 hours.  Schloop.

And blah blah blah… REVIEW NOW.  ^_____^


	9. Nothing of Consequence

The Plunderful Lizard of Oz

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N: Sorry that I haven't posted in awhile (about a month).  I should be beaten with a wet noodle.  Or a wet poodle.  Because it rhymes.  This chapter isn't as long as the others, but maybe I'll post again very soon.  Hmmmm.

ON WITH IT!!

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Part Eight:  Nothing of Consequence

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"BY THE POWER OF THE BONSAI, I COMMAND YOU TO LEAVE!!"

The head of Goku was eating the coffee-flavored rice that The Author gave him in the last chapter.  **Munch munch**  He spoke with his mouth full, of course.  "Nope, sorry Vegeta, that's not going to work either."

"DAMN YOU!"  Vegeta was seething.  He had tried everything, and he still could not get Goku's head off his shoulders.  In frustration, he began beating Goku in the face.

In retaliation, Goku dumped the bowl of rice on Vegeta's head.

"You moron!  I'll be picking rice out of my hair for months!"

Goku pointed and laughed.

"Shut up!"  And Vegeta head-butted him.  

Goku cried.

Well, Mirai Trunks had watched the entire thing and couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably and roll around in the poppies.  Eventually, he regained control of himself and offered Vegeta some advice.  "U 5|-|0u1d 4p010g1z3 2 7h3 4u7|-|0r.  M4yb3 7|-|3n, U'11 B phr33 0f G0|u'3 h34d."

"I hate you," Vegeta replied simply.

"No, Trunks is right," said Mr. British Piccolo.  "That may be the only way to get your old body back."

"Don't tell me you can understand that gibberish, too!!"

"Of course," then Piccolo adjusted his pinafore for no reason whatsoever.  "And I do believe that Trunks has himself a bloody brilliant idea."

"Which is…" he sneered.

"Very well then," sighed Piccolo from the U.K.  "What the dear lad was trying to tell you is that perhaps the head of Goku will be removed from your shoulders if you apologize to The Author."

"NEVER!!  Not in a million billion years."

British Piccolo shrugged.

Vegeta continued, "And you tell that speech impaired bakayaro over there that if he utters another syllable of that incomprehensible garbage, he'll be pulling poppies out of his nose!"

The green lizard man turned to Mirai Trunks to relay the message.  "|-|3y 7run|5!  \/3g374 541d 7|-|47 h3 w4n7s 70 p1c| 4 b0uQu37 0f p0pp135 4 U, Bu7 |-|3'5 2 5|-|y."  Well, he kinda relayed it.

Mirai Trunks laughed.  He strode over to "Goketa," picked a poppy from the field, and stuck it behind Vegeta's ear.  Then he walked over to Chi-Chi and struck up a conversation… in 13375p34k, of course.

Vegeta grabbed the flower and squashed it in his fist… and punched Goku in the face.  For fun.

British Piccolo winced at the gratuitous violence.  Then he addressed everyone, "Well, this has been a smashing good time, but I'm afraid I must be off."

Goku was still rubbing his jaw, where Vegeta hit him.  "Where are you going, Piccolo?"

"I am to rendezvous with Dende in five hours at his 'bachelor pad.'  You plonkers are welcome to join me in my journey, if you wish."

"Wheeeeeee!  A journey!" squealed Goku, his eyes full of glittery glee.

"Oh, hell no!" said Vegeta.

"I have to put my foot down on this, Vegeta.  We're going!"  Goku stamped his foot, authoritatively.

"That's MY foot, baka."  Vegeta punched Goku in the face AGAIN.

"Uhm, hello?!"  Hey whaddya know, it was the fox-creature!  She was still hanging around.  The group turned to face her.

"What the hell happened to the plot?!  Didn't this start out as a quest to cure Bulma's blindness?"

"Hmmmm." They all pondered this observation.

"Speaking of plot," said Vegeta, "where has my Fairy Princess son gone?"

"I can answer that," said the Aurora-fox.  "After I ate Princess Trunks, he went off-stage.  Duh.  I think he's in his dressing room with Goten right now.  There's a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door, so I think they'll be in there awhile. *cough*  But he's not in the next few scenes anyway.  Didn't ANYONE read their scripts?"

Mutterings of "Script? What script?" escaped the lips of everyone else in the poppy field.

"It figures," she sighed.  "Well, let's go see Dende.  That's SORT OF where the plot was headed in the beginning."

"Yay!" cheered Goku.  Who was then hit in the face by Vegeta's fist soon after he opened his mouth.  Goku's eyes dilated and his head swayed from side to side for a bit, before he shook himself back to consciousness.

British Piccolo watched this transpire with wide, frightened eyes.  "Hey chap," he said to Vegeta.  "You might want to stop whacking Goku on the noggin.  The bloke is dotty enough."

"I'll dotty you!" was Vegeta's comeback.  And it wasn't very good.  And everyone knew it, but was afraid to even breath, lest Vegeta's rage would explode and kill them all.  Hey, it could happen.

"La la la…" sang Goku.  Oddly, his eyes were crossed, and one of them was half-shut.  He continued speaking in the general direction of Vegeta's head. "Tell the dingleberry that he can't have the podderpoosh; it's mine."  

Everyone gasped in horror.

Goku giggled, stuck his finger in Vegeta's ear, and said, "Schloop."

"Stop it!" and Vegeta slapped Goku across the face a few times.  Goku's eyes closed and his chin sank to "their" chest.  "Uhhh, Kakarott's sleeping now!  Are we going to see Dende, or what?"

They all started walking into the forest.  For the record, Chi-Chi has been completely preoccupied with a certain purple-haired boy from the future.  Yeah, so she didn't notice Goku getting his head bashed in.  Anyway…

After two hours of everyone walking in COMPLETE SILENCE, Aurora-fox thought to ask, "So where does Dende live?"

"The Lookout, of course.  Any naff sod knows that Dende lives at the Lookout.  But it's being fumigated.  So we're going to the Ox King's Castle, where he's renting a flat."

"Really?" asked Chi-Chi.  "I didn't know that.  How convenient that the Ox King and Dende are both living in the Emerald Castle."

Yes, how convenient, indeed.

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A/N:  Also convenient that I end the chapter before they really go anywhere or do anything.  Hee hee hee.  

You guys ROCK.  Keep up the fabulous reviews!  I swear I'll start incorporating your ideas next time ^__^


	10. THE END

The Plunderful Lizard of Ox

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N: What's this?No reviews of Part Eight?Have I neglected my posting duties too long?Sorry… I hope no one gave up on me.Heh.Maybe this'll make up for it.

ON WITH IT!!

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Part Nine:THE END!! (Is Nowhere in Sight)

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A little side-note:By this point in the story there are five-and-a-half people on their way to the Emerald Castle, which also happens to be the Ox King's Castle, which ALSO happens to be the place where Dende is staying while the Lookout is fumigated.

This is what's known as "plot simplification;" see also, "killing off characters at random."Heh heh.Okay, keep going with the story…

"Hey!Author!" Vegeta bellowed.

("The Author still isn't talking to you, Vegeta.So I have deal with you instead.")

"Fine.Whatever.Tell me, how can there be five-and-a-half people here?There's no such thing as half a person."

("I was hoping someone would ask.Obviously 'Goketa' counts as one-and-a-half.'Goketa' isn't one person exactly, and the two of you combined doesn't quite add up to two people either. Heh heh heh.)

"WHAT?!" he snarled."I am a Prince, dammit!I am worth a million times more than anyone else here!I demand you recount, properly this time."

("No way.And I don't want to talk to you anymore.Shouldn't you be paying more attention to where you're walking anyway?")

Just then, Goketa tripped over a tree trunk and crashed faces-first into the ground.Vegeta groaned and rubbed his head, silently cursing The Narrator's ability to write verbs and nouns into sentences.Everyone else stopped and laughed, properly taunting the Princely Saiyan who always behaves oh-so Princely.

Ahhhh… well, lucky for us, the jostling from the ground collision awoke Goku.The normally taller Saiyan seemed to be back to "normal" as he took in the new surroundings.Chi-Chi rushed to his side, leaving poor Mirai Trunks to his lonesome.**sniffle**

Goku, being the brilliant man that he is, just now noticed Chi-Chi's strange attire.Yes, she was still wearing the tie-up-the-front spandex suit-thing, spike collar around her neck, tall black boots, etc.Anyway…

His eyes grew as wide as softballs as he stared at her.Chi-Chi became rather alarmed by his behavior."Is there something wrong, Goku?"

Immediately Goku's head turned to Vegeta."You HAVE to apologize to The Author NOW."

"I'd rather die."

An uncharacteristic growl slipped from Goku's lips."Suit yourself, but right now, I am going to have wild animal sex with Chi-Chi behind those bushes.So I guess you're coming along."

"AUGH!NOOOOOOOO!! NO NO NO NO.I'LL APOLOGIZE!!I'LL DO WHATEVER THE AUTHOR WANTS, JUST GET THIS BAKA'S HEAD OFF MY BODY."

\\Whatever I want, eh?// came the snickering voice of The Author.

"YESYESYES.ANYTHING!!!!Just separate us NOW!"

\\Hee hee hee… I don't know if I want to miss this though.//

Goketa began walking toward the bushes with Chi-Chi, dragging Vegeta along with them.

"Pleeeease don't do this to mee-ee-eeee," the _Princely_ Prince whined.

\\All right all right.I hate to see grown men cry.I'll remove his head if you promise to kiss Puar on his furry lips if you should happen to see him.//

"WHAT?!"

\\Your choice, Vegeta.//

Goketa was removing his clothes.Vegeta could feel his eyes starting to cook inside his head.The last thing he needed was the image of a naked Chi-Chi seared into his brain, not to mention certain nasty things in which his body would soon be partaking.

He grumbled, "Okay fine.I'll do it.JUST GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!"

\\Done aaaaand… done.//

Lo and behold, Goku's head vanished from Vegeta's shoulder.Vegeta was back to his original self.Well… he was still half undressed, but no one seemed to mind.So the Sayian no Ouji stood and walked quickly away from the bushes.And he almost got away, too.

But!Chi-Chi was faster and grabbed him by the wrist."Where do you think you're going, Vegeta?We haven't even started."

"What are you talking about, devil woman?!"

"You may not be Goku, but I'll bet you're still a pretty good lay."

"Arrrrgh!My ears!You're making them bleeeeeed!!!!"Vegeta hunched over clutching the sides of his head.

"There there, Veggie.Just relax and let Mistress Chi-Chi make the pain go away."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"I'll call you whatever I want, now come with me–"

Chi-Chi squeezed his wrist tighter.But it didn't matter how hard she could squeeze, because you just can't make a spoiled, whiny Prince do something he doesn't want to do.With this in mind, Vegeta poised his free hand in front of Chi-Chi's face, his palm just inches from her nose.Then he released an energy blast that vaporized her.

In the not-so-distant background, Aurora-fox was shaking her head."This is all wrong.This isn't supposed to happen.What good is a script if the characters do whatever they damn well please?!"Et cetera, et cetera.

"|-|01Y 5h17, \/3g374!U jU57 k1l13d C|-|i-C|-|i!" I don't think I have to tell you who that was.

"All right, that's all I can take from you, boy!You're next!!"Vegeta's hand shifted so it was aimed at Mirai Trunks."Try to speak that fucking language with your head blown off!!!"The air flickered with light until a ball of intense energy was streaking towards the sexiest character in this lame story.

Things looked bleak for Mirai Trunks.That is, until Aurora-fox abandoned her belief in the script and jumped in front of the blast.She was blown-up into little furry pieces.Hmmm, well better her than sexy-Trunks.

(_Enter Chorus_)

CHORUS:And what a noble deed was done

To save the boy with purple hair;

Ne'er a braver creature come and gone,

Than the fox, Aurora, so fair.

(_Exit Chorus_)

"Well that was stupid," scoffed Vegeta.Then he turned to his intended victim."You were lucky, Trunks.It's a good thing we have so many dispensable characters."

Trunks was still staring the space in front of him where Aurora-fox had intercepted the ki blast."She saved my life," he mumbled.

"Well grab my bum and call me French.Trunks!You're not talking in 13375p34k anymore," exclaimed British Piccolo, who shall now be referred to as Captain Obvious."I state the obvious," he stated proudly.

"I– I– can't believe… She saved me…" Trunks continued to ramble.

Vegeta smacked Mirai Trunks in the back of the head. "Shut your pie hole."

So he did.And stuff.

("Here is where I fumble for words and make an awkward transition…")

And other stuff… Now the five-and-a-half people were down to three!Fabulous!See earlier comment about plot simplification through the elimination of characters.

Anyway… The Three Moroneteers walked to the castle.They didn't do anything, or say anything along the way, because there's not much to do or say in a boring forest after killing off half your traveling party.So that's their own damn fault.

Eventually, British Capt. Obvious ran ahead of the other two in great excitement.He reached the tree line and gawked at the monumental stonewall in front of him.He flailed his arms about and laughed maniacally.Then his elbows locked with his hands pointed toward the heavens (also known as, "sky").

The two lazy bums behind him took their sweet-ass time getting there.Even when they arrived, Trunks and Vegeta continued to walk right past British Capt. Obvious to the gigantic castle doors.The large wooden barriers stood ten body lengths in height, held together by steel bolts and other reinforcements.

Vegeta stared at it for a moment with his arms crossed, looking unimpressed.Then he drew his fist back and tried to punch the door off its hinges.But Ah Ha!He could not!The bones in his hand painfully cracked and snapped against the doors.He cried.A lot.Hee hee hee.

However, the noise did rouse a sleepy castle guard from his post just inside the castle gates.He opened a small slot in the door to peer outside.

"Hiya!" said the guard.

"Kakarott!" "Goku?!" exclaimed Trunks and Vegeta, simultaneously.

The guard frowned."Who?"

Vegeta shoved Trunks out of the way as he stalked to face the person through the slot in the door.But Vegeta discovered he was too short to see inside the opening.He tried standing on his tip-toes, but he was still a few inches too short!

(The Narrator is rolling on the floor laughing at him!Ahhhhahahahaha!!!!)

Salvaging what little pride he had left, Vegeta floated to the eye-level of the guard on the other side of the door."Kakarott!What are you doing back there?!"

"Well…" the guard scratched his head of spiky black hair."I don't know why you're calling me Kakarott and Goku, but I'm on this side of the door because I am guarding it."

"No shit, you brainless–"

Mirai Trunks cut in, "Eh Heh.I believe what my father is trying to say is that we'd like to enter this castle."

"Hmmm.Are you on the list?"

"WHAT LIST?" growled Vegeta.

"Well I've got this list here, and I can only admit people who are on it.Those be my orders."

"Who's on it?" queried Trunks.

"Mistress Chi-Chi is the first one.She should be returning soon with a prisoner."

"Heh, don't count on it," Vegeta snickered.

"Uh," Trunks nervously continued, "is there anyone else on the list?"

"Let's see, let's see.Uhm… uh…There's uh…"

A long pause ensued and paper shuffling could be heard through the opening in the heavy door.Vegeta's patience was running out, as always.Not only was the slot too high for him to look through, but the baka behind the door wouldn't admit that he was the third-class warrior whom Vegeta despised… and secretly loved!Haha!How's that for subplot?!A subplot that very well might be ignored.

And… still silence from behind the door."WELL?!" the prince bellowed.

"Uhm, here's the thing.I… can't read.I tried to memorize the list when the boss read it to me, but Mistress Chi-Chi is the only one I can remember."

"Aw, that's too bad.Now enough with the sympathy parade and let us in."

"I can't do that.You might not be on the list!I was given specific instructions…"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE LIST!"

"… if this were to happen."

Immediately hundreds of guards fell from the sky and captured the two men standing at the gate.The British Captain of the Obvious was still standing at the edge of the forest with his arms outstretched.They weren't sure if he was with Trunks and Vegeta, but took him inside anyway.

Once the three intruders were apprehended and being transported to the deepest, darkest dungeon, the Head Guard approached the door guard and praised him."Commendable job, Goku."

The door guard stared at him in astonishment."Is Goku my name??"

"For the last time, YES.Good god man!It's amazing that you remember how to breathe."

"I also remember that today is payday," Goku grinned like 5 year-old on his birthday.

The Head Guard sighed."Yes it is.You may proceed to the Royal kitchen and eat until you throw-up."

"Gee, thanks!!"And Goku trotted off to the kitchen

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A/N:Next time… The dungeon!!Bwahahahaha!

Reviews please?I was saddened that no one reviewed my last chapter before this one went up **sniffle**


	11. Okay I totally lied

The Plunderful Lizard of Ox

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N: I'm a slacker.

ON WITH IT!!

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Part Ten:  Okay, I totally lied about the end being last chapter.  HA!

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BACK AT CAPSULE CORPORATION!

Bulma was sitting in the lab working on the intricate wiring for a water-powered garlic press when the phone rang.  But she was far too busy to answer it so she left it for someone else to get.  It rang and rang and rang… And rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang…

…Thirty seven times.  Not even kidding.  Finally, Mrs. Briefs picked it up.  It wasn't for her, because she doesn't have any friends, just a crazy husband who owns a bazillion weird pets.  Mrs. Breifs' voice reverberated through the hallways as she called to her daughter.

"Bulma, dear!  The phone is for you!  It's one of your cute little friends!"

Bulma didn't even look up from the electronic components in front of her.  "Can't talk now, Mom.  Tell them to call back tomorrow!"

The house became oddly quiet and calm.  It was just long enough for Bulma to immerse herself in her work again.  So when Mrs. Breifs suddenly appeared behind her with a cordless phone, Bulma fell backward out of her chair.

"Oh my!  Are you okay, sweetie?"  But her mother didn't wait for an answer; instead she pushed the phone in Bulma's face. "It's that silly bald man.  Krillin.  He said it was important."  Mrs. Breifs snuck out of the room to do Kami-knows-what she does all day.

"Fine fine fine!  Can't anyone get along without me for just ONE… DAMN…"  She threw the screwdriver onto the table and flipped her magnifying glasses to sit on top of her head.  "…DAY!  So what do you want now, Krillin?  We're not going to lend you any more money until you've paid back the ten million zeni you borrowed last week," said a very annoyed blue-haired scientist.

"Thank Kami you're there, Bulma!  I was beginning to think you had gone missing, too!"

"Missing?  What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed!"  Krillin paused as there was a dead silence from the person on the other side of the phone.  It was just like Bulma to be completely oblivious to all things in the world while she was working in her lab.

"Well of course I've noticed!" she blurted.  "What do you take me for?!  An ignorant bookworm?!"

"Cut the act, Bulma.  I know you better than that."  Again, there was the stifling silence from the other receiver.  "Here's a question Bulma:  Where is your son?"

"Trunks?  He's uh… Well, he…"  Bulma pondered the question.  She had been so absorbed in her work lately that she had lost track of time.  She knew she hadn't seen Trunks in a while, but when was the last…  

AAaaaand then she remembered.  _Princess Trunks_, as he insisted on being called, had left on some mission or adventure.  Or something.  Bulma had stopped listening to him so she didn't know.  But she was certain that he was fine.  "I'm sure he's just at the Son house sparring with Goten!  In fact, I'll bet a wet noodle he's there!"

"Uh… I'm not gonna take you up on that wager," replied Krillin, "but I guarantee you he's not there.  And neither is Goten.  Or Chi-Chi.  Or Goku!  That's why I called.  Gohan and Videl came over here looking for them, but they're not here of course.  And then I thought about it, and I haven't seen Piccolo around either."

"Okay okay.  So Goku and Chi-Chi went on vacation or something and didn't tell anyone.  Piccolo is probably meditating in Siberia.  I don't see what this has to do with–"

"Bulma!  Don't you get it?  Okay look, Tien flew over this morning and was completely freaked out.  Apparently, he saw Piccolo with your son… that was two weeks ago, by the way.  I didn't get the details, but something wasn't right between them.  And then Chiaotzu went missing.  Well, Tien found him last night.  Er, what was left of him, anyway.  Poor guy.  Chiaotzu got blown to pieces in a corn(bread)field near South City… Hey!  Stop laughing!  It's not funny!"

Bulma clamped a hand over her mouth, but it didn't do much to stop the sound from going into the phone.  "Sorry sorry.  But… Chiaotzu?!  It's about time that little clown died.  I never liked him."

Krillin grimaced.  Didn't she realize that this was serious?!  "Okay Bulma.  Personal differences aside, there's something strange going on here."

"Yeah, well it keeps life interesting.  It's been nice talking to you, but I'd really like to get back to work now."

"Seen Vegeta lately?" Krillin slyly queried.

Well, this focused Bulma's attention.  "As a matter of fact, no!  Where is that good-for-nothing man?  Does he expect me to run everything around here?!  As soon as I get my hands on him…!  Hmm, actually it's been awhile since I had my hands on him. What would I do if I got my hands on… him… Hmmmmmmmmmmm..."  And Bulma's thoughts drifted.  But rightfully so.  I mean, c'mon.

Krillin awkwardly interrupted her daydream. "Uhhhh… My point is that half of our friends have disappeared!  Don't you think that's strange?"

She contemplated this question.  She contemplated it for a long time.  A LOOooooong time.  Krillin wondered how Bulma could be so brilliant with machines, but consistently devoid of all rational thought.  He chalked it up to her being a woman.

A/N: Krillin will regret thinking that.  Oh yes.

Bulma concluded, "Yes, I guess this is strange.  Is that everyone who's missing?  Goku, Chi-Chi, Goten, my confused little Trunks, Vegeta, and Piccolo?"

"No," said Krillin, gravely.  "There's two more…"

Annoying voice of the Toonami Narrator guy (I hope most of you know who I mean): "Oh no!  Two more missing?!  Who could Krillin be talking about?  Most of the Z fighters have vanished into thin air!  Why doesn't anyone know where they went?!  Why is Bulma trying to invent a water-powered garlic press?  And what murderous crime must I have committed to have such a stupid role in this kickass TV show?  Well, Krillin and Tien definitely have their work cut out for them… Next time, on DRAGONBALL ZEEEEEE-------"

"ALL RIGHT ALREADY!" Bulma screamed.  "Enough with the suspense!  Who else is missing, Krillin?!"

"Oh right.  Sorry about that. For some reason, my brain just shut down before I could tell you.  The two others are Yamcha and Puar."

DBZ end credit music playing.  "Head Cha-la" perhaps.  You know what song I mean.  Hee hee hee

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A/N:  I know this wasn't my usual kind of insane writing, but I hope it was amusing.  Let me know what you thought of the different "style" of humor.  Or if you would call it "humor" at all.  Let me know.  I'd like to know.  Get it?  ^-^

Next chapter is the dungeon, I swear!  How about some reviews to make me write it faster?  ^_____^


	12. The dungeon Cell Games

The Plunderful Lizard of Ox

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N: Having Yamcha and Puar join this fic is courtesy of Lizz.  I forgot to mention the Castle Guard idea from two chapters ago… credit for that goes to The Red Dwarf.

ON WITH IT!!

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Part Eleven:  The (dungeon) Cell Games

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The British Captain of Obvious (a.k.a. British Piccolo) was wildly pacing back and forth in a dungeon cell.  It had been two days since the three surviving travelers were locked in the dark, stank pits of the Emerald Castle.  Apparently none of them realized that they could very easily blast themselves out, but it's not The Narrator's job to inform them of such things… so they're just gonna stay in there 'til they rot.

Each prisoner was dealing with the incarceration in his own way.  'The Captain' was pacing.  Mirai Trunks was gnawing on his leather jacket (hey, a Saiyan's gotta eat).  Vegeta was pouting.

"It's just not fair!" brooded the Saiyan Prince.  He sat on the hard stone floor and crossed his arms, trying to bury his face in his chest.  "I don't wanna be locked in a dungeon.  It'll make my hair frizz."  Uhoh.  Were those tears in his eyes?  Awwww, poor baby.

Rrrrriiiiiiiip.  Mirai Trunks tore a sleeve off his expensive leather jacket and was taking large bites out of it.  Between mouthfuls, he asked, "Hey Vegeta, want some of this animal skin?  It tastes chemically."

"No.  Leave me alone," he mumbled, turning his back to the other two.  He even managed to wedge himself under the sleeping cot to hide.

Trunks shrugged and asked Capt. Obvious the same question.

"You bloody bet I want some!"  So, Rrrrrriiiiip.  Off came the other sleeve of the coat, and The Captain and Trunks had a fantabulous meal of chemically treated dead-animal skin.  Yum!  I'll bet it was almost as good as the coffee-flavored rice that The Author invented several chapters ago!

"Pssssst."  A man shrouded in a dark cloak and holding a fire lit torch was crouching next to the bars confining them.  Aaaaand he was completely ignored.  Trunks and the Captain were gorging themselves on tasty black leather and Vegeta was engulfed in his own quiet sobbing.

The mysterious stranger repeated himself.  "I SAID, PSSSSSSST!"  The pseudo whisper echoed loudly through the narrow dungeon hallways.  It finally roused the attention of Trunks and the Captain.  But Vegeta continued to sulk.  

Trunks threaded his arms into the sleeveless leather jacket over his white t-shirt.  He rose from the ground and approached the edge of their cell.  Small dirt smudges blended into his denim jeans from sitting on the dungeon floor.  As he moved closer to stranger, strands of his lavender hair fell in front of his clear blue eyes, which were illuminated by the dim firelight, reflecting teal and silver specks.

The British Namek had moved over there, too.

("Errrrr… I guess I got carried away with that description.  See the Author's note at the end, though.  Hee hee hee.")

"Who are you?  Why are you down here?" asked Trunks.

"Sh.  I can't stay long, lest they find me.  I brought you some food.  Please take it and stay well.  I shall return tomorrow with more supplies… and a riddle.  If you answer the riddle correctly, I will give you a feather.  With that feather you shall tickle-torture Vegeta until he soils himself.  The day after, you will have to answer another riddle…"

"No seriously," Trunks interrupted.  "Who the hell are you?  Your voice sounds familiar."

"I cannot tell you.  Just know I am a friend.  My partner, who has been conveniently hiding in the shadows, will give you the food now."

The cloaked man paused and looked to a dark corner, but nothing happened.  He stood quickly and threw off his garb, and screamed, "DAMN IT PUAR, THAT WAS YOUR CUE."

Sho' nuff, the little blue cat-thing waddled out from the shadowy corner holding a big basket.  And he had the high-pitched squeaky voice (the one that The Author reeeaaally hates, just FYI).  "Sorry Yamcha.  I really messed up, didn't I?"

"Yes, and I hate you.  We're breaking up.  I'm not going to be your homosexual love toy anymore!"

"Fine!" countered the furball.  "Then I'll just find a new sex slave!"

"Fine!" yelled Yamcha.  And each turned their back on the other in a huff, arms crossed and all.

Meanwhile, the British Captain of Obvious was straining his arm through the bars.  The food basket was _almost_ in his grasp.  His fingers touched it.  Luckily, he has ridiculously long lizard fingernails.  They caught in the woven wicker, and British Piccolo began pulling the basket toward him.  Saliva dripped from the corners of his mouth, and his stomach growled fiercely.  But tragedy befell his plan long before it could be implemented.  The basket was tripped on a small pebble and all the contents spilled across the mold and scum covered floor.  No five second rule here, folks.

"What the hell did you do that for, Piccolo?!" Trunks smacked him on the back of the head and muttered, "Dumbass," under his breath.  But then he actually looked at what had spilled onto the floor.  "What the…?"  A disgusted expression spread across his face.

Captain Piccolo, Yamcha, Puar, and Trunks stared at the contents of the basket.  Suddenly, Yamcha exploded at his furry friend, "Puar!  What the hell is that?!  That's not food!!!"

And indeed, the items that had fallen out of the basket consisted of half a jar of petroleum jelly, some incense, and 57 condoms.

The Captain gasped, "WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU FIND MY BASKET OF GOODIES?!"

"Yes Puar," chided an effeminate Yamcha. "Tell us where."

"It was out in the forest.  I don't remember where exactly.  I didn't know THIS was in it!  Who the puts THIS in a picnic basket?"

Just then, a pair of arms shot between the bars and grabbed Puar, pulling him inside the cell.  Vegeta was animate again!  And not crying!  For once.  

("Well, if Vegeta hates Puar as much as The Author, there won't be a molecule left of the furry sex fiend.  Oh wait… The Author… Puar… this reminds me…")

Vegeta had Puar by the neck.  His grip tightened momentarily, cutting off the cat's oxygen.  Then… then… AND THEN… Vegeta KISSED HIM!  Full on the mouth, with tongues twisting in passion.

\\Wow.  I didn't think Vegeta would actually hold up his end of the deal.  I mean, when I removed Goku's head from his shoulders, I TOLD him he had to kiss Puar, but this is, uh, well he looks like he's enjoying it.//

The kiss ended abruptly and Vegeta threw Puar across the cell.  He shouted, "I DID NOT ENJOY THAT.  I only did what I promised."  He wiped his lips the back of his hand.

"I don't know, Vegeta," Trunks laughed.  "That was pretty steamy."

Vegeta slumped to the floor and buried his face in his hands.  "I didn't do any of _that_.  It– It was– It was _him_."

Puar picked himself off the floor.  "Gee, Vegeta, I never knew you swung that way.  But if you like it rough, we can schedule some alone time and–"

"Yeah, you wish you could get some time alone with me.  Sorry Puar, you're _waayyyy_ below my standards."

Yamcha was crying, because his ex-lover was hitting on his nemesis.

Trunks was doubled over laughing, because Vegeta was flexing his muscles to an absent audience.

The British Captain of the Obvious was hording all his "goodies."

And Puar… well, Puar suddenly obtained magical powers and was conjuring a spell that would FIX THEM ALL.  BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Or something like that.

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A/N:  If I had a website, I would totally draw and then scan a picture of Mirai Trunks in a black, sleeveless, leather jacket.  Drooooool  In _only_ a black, sleeveless, leather jacket… if you get my drift.  Hee hee hee.  Okay, maybe he'd be wearing pants, too.  But I don't have a website, so I'll just have to keep the picture all to myself  ^___^

I'm having _way_ too much fun writing this fic!  I'm just hoping more than a handful of people are reading!!  Well, the ones still reviewing (namely Lizz and Beth) are awesome.  Keep it up.  The reviews keep me going…


	13. Yes This Really Is A Chapter

The Plunderful Lizard of Ox  
  
(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks) (a.k.a. Little Purple Riding Trunks)  
  
A/N: Ever wonder how exactly The Author/Narrator thing works in this story? Maybe this chapter will help. If not, I'll just explain it at the end ^___^  
  
ON WITH IT!!  
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Part Twelve: Yes This Really is a Chapter  
  
***************************************  
The Author and The Narrator were having tea and crumpets because Americans try to copy other cultures for the reason that they have none of their own.  
  
(A/N: Yes, I am American. Which means that I have the right to make fun of myself and our society. So bugger off! Tee hee hee.)  
  
So tea and crumpets...  
  
("What the hell is a crumpet?"), asked The Narrator, curiously examining the thing being held in hand.  
  
\\Munch munch I don't know, but they sure are tasty!//  
  
("Well, I hope they're not made out of beef fat like that frosting I bought at the grocery store.")  
  
\\Munch munch//  
  
(Munch munch)  
  
\\Munch munch//  
  
(Munch munch)  
  
\\Munch munch//  
  
(Munch munch)  
  
\\Munch munch//  
  
(Munch munch)  
  
\\Munch munch//  
  
(Munch munch)  
  
\\Mmmmm! That was delightful! So what shall we do today?//  
  
("Well, I suppose we could check back on the Little Purple Riding Trunks story we are publishing on ff.net")  
  
\\Ah yes! Let us do that.//  
  
So The Author and The Narrator logged onto the Internet with their slow-as- shit phone modem and opened the ff.net website. They found their story and, simultaneously, their faces fell. In sadness. They were sad.  
  
The Author became teary-eyed and nearly started bawling. There was something horrible on that computer screen. Something dreadful and sad. The Author's heart filled with wrenching pain and sorrow at the sight of it.  
  
No new reviews since the last time they checked.  
  
\\*sniffle* Why don't more of the readers give us reviews, Narrator?//  
  
("BECAUSE THEY'RE FILTHY WHORES!")  
  
The Author's eyes grew wide and the tears dried up.  
  
\\No! Don't insult the readers, Narrator! You might scare them away! Besides, we've been known to read an occasional story and not review it.//  
  
The Narrator's arms crossed, with head rested on chest.  
  
("Yeah, well only if it sucked beyond all reason. I mean, it's a common courtesy to review a story after you've read it. It's every Author's ultimate goal: to get 100s of reviews.")  
  
\\I'll admit, the reviews make this worthwhile.//  
  
(*sniffle* "I need more crumpets." Munch munch munch munch)  
  
\\Now now, Narrator. Eating those crumpets won't make you happy.//  
  
("I guess you're right.") The Narrator set down the box of crumpets. Do crumpets even come in boxes? Uhhhh... Oh well...  
  
\\Let's write a chapter for this fic. It still makes us happy, right?//  
  
("Of course! Nothing could be better, than a pocket full of cheddar!")  
  
\\Couldn't have said it better myself!//  
  
So The Author began to think about what should happen next in the craaazeeeee story. And as The Author thought it, The Narrator typed it (i.e., narrating it).  
  
It went something like this:  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THIS FANFIC HAVE BEEN TURNED INTO GORILLAS!!!  
  
Tune in next week to find out who/why/how this happened.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
\\AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA. THAT WAS GREAT!!//  
  
The Author fell into a hysterical fit of laughter and was rolling on the floor.  
  
The Narrator's eyes rolled and waited for The Author to regain sanity. Maybe it'll happen in seven days, but don't hold your breath. The odds lean toward infinity to zero.  
  
***********************************  
  
A/N: Ok, here's the explanation of The Author/Narrator thing. So. for this story, "Little Purple Riding Trunks," The Author and The Narrator are writing under the name "Vegeta-shun." I am Vegeta-shun. I am The Author AND The Narrator.  
  
I like to think that I have a split personality when I write this. "The Author," a crazy, slightly brain-dead, yet innocent person with lots of imagination and lots of love for the characters. The Author's collaborator, "The Narrator," is a realistic and blunt sidekick, who knows the technical "rules" for writing the story. And of course they swap and share characteristics some times, b/c hey... they are both me ^___^  
  
I hope that doesn't sound too psychotic. At least I'm not writing in third person. Yet.  
  
Mwahahahahahahahahaha. 


	14. Yes This Really Is The End

The Plunderful Lizard of Ox 

(a.k.a. Little Purple Flying Trunks)

(a.k.a. Little Purple _Riding_ Trunks)

A/N: A few of you might be sad to learn that this is going to be the last chapter of this story.  Don't plunge yourselves into the deepest and darkest pits of despair though.  There is a sequel ^___^  The name of which I'll tell you at the end of this chapter.  
ON WITH IT!!   
  


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Part Thirteen:  Yes This Really is The End   
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To recap the events of the last two chapters…

British Piccolo found his basket of "goodies" for Dende.

Mirai Trunks became the proud owner of a sleeveless leather jacket.

Yamcha and Puar broke up (because they were lovers, duh).

Puar fell in love with Vegeta, but was horribly scorned and then acquired magical powers to "fix them all."

All the characters were turned into gorillas by The Narrator and Author.

Now you're up to speed.

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back at Capsule Corporation, Bulma and Krillin had been talking on the phone discussing the disappearance of their friends/family.  Bulma vaguely recalled Little Trunks flying off on a mission of some sort, but that had been two weeks ago.  Krillin informed her that Gohan, Videl, and Tien were now at Kame house… all with the same conclusion: Everyone was disappearing.

But none of that paragraph really mattered, because they were transformed into gorillas.

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over at the dungeon in the Ox King's Castle, doubling as Dende's hangout while the Lookout was fumigated, sat four gorillas.  One of them was wearing a sleeveless, leather jacket, another wore a cloak, the third gorilla was wearing a pinafore thingamabob, and the fourth had the typical Saiyan training suit on, complete with rubber-ish gloves and boots.

Yeah, you guess who's wearing what.  

But what's this?!  Only four gorillas in the dungeon?  There should have been five!  What happened to the fifth?  Where did the Puar-gorilla scamper off to?  He would look hilarious, because he'd be a tiny gorilla!  

Hahaha… Oh well.  

Maybe the Vegeta-gorilla sat on the miniature Puar-gorilla for hitting on him two chapters ago.

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And upstairs in the royal kitchen, sat one lone gorilla surrounded by food and gorging himself.  Remember the Gate Guard?  Named Goku?  That would be him.

Because everyone had been turned into gorillas, they no longer cared about what they were doing before.  They only cared about gorilla-things, such as… eating, sleeping, and uhhh… maybe you should go read about gorillas because that's all I got.

THE FREAKIN' END

and it was freakin lame

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A/N: The name of the sequel will be…

DRUM ROLL…………………………………………………

…………………………………………………

………………………………………

………………………… end drum roll

"The RETURN of Little Purple Riding Trunks"

Hee hee hee… I'm so creative.

Look for posts of that story in about a week.  It will, in fact, feature the RETURN of Little Trunks, our cross-dressing hero.


End file.
